Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Situation Connotations

Katie wrote a post yesterday that touched on a topic that I've thought about recently. She said that "It only takes a slight drop in the temperature and that strange cold smell to the air to make me feel as if everything is wrong," and I've felt the same way.

I tended to be hospitalized in the late summer and in the wintertime post-Christmas-February/March. When these seasons roll around, no matter how good I am feeling at the time or how well I am doing food- and/or weight-wise, I feel anxious. I feel as though I am waiting for the other shoe to fall, for the axe to come down. The past memory of those seasons being times of condemnation and entrapment holds firm and I have to do a lot of rational talking to myself (silently of course - I'm already crazy enough; there's no need to add to the look :) ) to convince my mind that things can be okay despite the seasonal shifts. The first winter that I wasn't hospitalized felt strange indeed.

Likewise, when I started university last fall, things weren't going well. I was off my medication cold turkey (as I thought I was allowed to do) and I was overwhelmed with university, too many commitments (like 24 hours of work/week + school + volunteering, etc.) loneliness, and life in general. I spent about three hours a day in tears and my grades were not near where I wanted them to be. I doubt that I'll ever forgive myself for immediately ruining my GPA. Anyways, this year I still have at the back of my mind a hanging dread of the start of classes. I'm afraid that as soon as everything is back into full swing, my life and mental health will just disintegrate and fall to pieces like last year. And I don't want to ruin things again. And I am so scared.

I think that the next few weeks will require planning, self-reassurance, and some courage. Here's to breaking another personal seasonal connotation. Have any of you felt similarly?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Conspicuously normal

Yesterday being the end of August (*tear*), I had some coupons, etc. that were expiring. I also had three ten dollar vouchers for various food places at the university that I attend. While I am not back at school yet, I do work near there and decided that I would use them to buy something, because not doing so would be wasteful, and therefore, forbidden :).

Anyways, out of the $30 I had to spend, I calculated the items (all storable, non-perishable) close enough that I paid $29.97 of the $30. I was rather proud of that. I'm sure that means that I'm a greedy person, but it's also like a game. I love playing with numbers of any sort. No wonder anorexia's constant tallies are so comforting.

The point of this entire thing is that I ended up buying an Iced Cappuccino with part of the vouchers. A large Iced Cappucino. It seemed huge. It felt so strange to order something that big, as I'd never have done so prior to the eating disorder, and definitely not since. I know that I felt "safe" drinking it because I essentially knew the calories and had worked it into my daily plan, but I also felt greedy and excessive, especially carrying a large, sugared beverage into work at 8:30AM, where some of my coworkers are aware of my AN. Although I knew that it was no different than me eating anything else of equal caloric value, I felt the whole time as though it looked to others as though I were instantly recovered, carefree, and wanting, so wanting, to voluntarily order that much.

I only thought after how silly it was to even consider that people were gaping internally in shock at my massive drink. Compared to some of the fast food beverages today, it's disturbingly normal.