Friday, December 31, 2010

I Can't See You...

So this blog has in one sense become another project begun and forgotten - except that I didn't forget and I'm still here. Actually, it's more like another project begun and put off and procrastinated on endlessly because I'm afraid of ruining or marring it somehow. Much like the emails that linger in my inbox, receiving every day a look, endless guilt, and no acknowledgement. Much like the research project that I'm doing in which I've barely begun and haven't replied to my supervisor about. Much like the things that I continue to put off, not because it will make things better or make them go away, but because I'm scared to face them and denying them is easier. Except that it isn't because I still feel endlessly guilty about all of it. This needs to end. And I keep telling myself that it will, and I'm getting closer to doing everything that needs to be done. But I'm still avoiding certain things.

Mainly, I'm avoiding things that require contact. I need to reply to emails. I don't. I need to reply to Facebook messages and comments. I don't. I need to call certain people and make appointments/talk to them about something important. I don't. And it's not like they don't know I'm around. I can't say I've been away, incommunicado for ages. They know I haven't. I feel like I'm enacting the adult version of "if I can't see you, you can't see me", except in my case, it's "if I don't acknowledge your email/comment/phone call, you'll forget that I exist". It doesn't work any better now than it did back then. *Sigh*

On another note, here's to a fresh-and-soon-to-be-muddied start. Happy New Year!