Sunday, January 16, 2011

Shopping Trip

I went shopping last week with my mom because I needed a couple of new hoodies and I'd been waiting for the Boxing Week sales, because heaven forbid I purchase something full price. Anyways, I thought I'd enjoy shopping - I haven't gone for a while - but it was mainly and anxiety provoking trip and I'm not even fully certain why.

I felt anxious and embarrassed being in the stores. It was almost as though I didn't feel like I was "worthy" of being there. I felt like the (stylish) clerks were looking at me and thinking, "why is she here?". I don't know precisely what I thought they were thinking I was out of place for. Perhaps because I was shopping with my mother (at 20 years old). Perhaps because I tried things on and was worried I looked stupid, ugly, flabby, and young all at once. Perhaps because I felt as though I shouldn't try things on (as if I were deceiving someone or taking advantage) unless I was planning on buying them - and I wasn't always.

I also tend to dislike malls because they seem to have a higher population of thin, sleek, well-dressed girls, often in their pre- or early teen years. I feel short next to them and as I am short, and they may be similar to my height, I'm even more prone to comparing my size to them. I know I should be larger - at 20, I shouldn't look like I'm 12. But when I perceive them to have smaller thighs, slimmer waists, larger breasts, I feel uglier and more awkward than ever.

Anyways, it was an awkward, confusing struggle of a trip, though finally, after weighing option after option and wandering the entire mall, I returned to the first store and bought two hoodies. Just as the store closed - so I'm pretty sure the clerks were definitely glad to see me leave. And then I found out last week that the same store at another mall was having a closing out sale and I could have gotten cheaper prices there. This definitely led to some major feelings of guilt. All that aside, I don't need to go shopping for a while again now, and I like my two bright hoodies.