Saturday, August 21, 2010

Battling "Uncomfortable" Foods

I don't really have "fear foods" any more in the sense that I did when I was initially in treatment. There are definitely things that I avoid or that I am uncomfortable eating, or that make my shake my leg under the table, but I don't think that there's anything that, on it's own - circumstances aside, would make me break down in tears anymore.

That being said, butter is still not my best friend. Nor is unmeasured melted cheese. I was intolerant to milk protein as a child and resultingly, I rarely ate butter/dips/sauces, etc. I grew up eating raw, plain vegetables and dry cereal. I only occasionally put spread on my breads. This tendency alone caused much distress when in treatment - I felt as though the food rules weren't in place to wipe out ED so much as they were trying to change who I fundamentally was (irrational, I know).

Tonight my father cooked dinner, a rare but increasingly common affair due to his extended unemployment. He made corn, pork chops (another "uncomfortable" food) in mushroom soup, and scalloped potatoes. With cheese. And butter. Copious amounts of butter. More than I've knowingly eaten in......well, I don't know how long. And I got quite the pile of potatoes. And following the (usually) unspoken rule since my eating disorder began, I ate all of what was on my plate.

The point of this post? I managed to eat the potatoes without freaking out externally, meaning that unlike past meals involving (what I consider) excess butter, it did not end in a screaming match. Or a slammed door. Or treatment threats. It did involve some wiping of butter on the plate/lips and subsequently napkin, but again, nowhere near the level it may have been at years ago.

So I'd say it was a success. Not one I really wanted to have, per se, but nonetheless a I won a victory, if not the war, over the eating disorder.

Friday, August 13, 2010


I couldn't even think of what to title this post. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel trapped. And while it may not be eating disorder-specific, the incredible guilt and hatred for myself that I feel has the same traits stamped all over. I can't seem to win, at least not in my mind. It's as though in the thought balance of my mind, one negative comment, or even the suggestion, is enough to negate hundreds of compliments or positive feedback I've received. And since there's no way I receive that much positivity in the space it takes to find one negative comment, imaginary or real, I have a nearly constant proclivity to lean towards the negative, hateful thoughts towards myself. And once one sneaks in, the domino effect is set in motion.

For example, at work today (clinic), we were pretty busy and I was attempting to complete what I was doing before lunch. I'd felt kind of out-of-it/adrift all day, but it wasn't anything physical, just mental blaaaah. Anyway, I mentioned this in passing and one of my co-workers, an older lady who's just returned from vacation, along with her delightful attitude of I-am-the-only-one-with-a-brain-among-these-incompetents, asks in this accusatory voice, "Have you eaten lunch yet?" To which I responded no and she begins to rag on me that I should. Right now. And of course, I tried to shrug it off and just say that I would, why was now so important?, and her response is what got me. It wasn't that she said, "well, it might make you feel less out-of-it", or, "you should take a break", but, "well, you said you already felt a bit off and we need productivity from you". Which was the dam breaking on the flood of thoughts of "I am lazy, I am slow, I am useless", etc., despite that she'd spent more of the morning critiquing what we'd done in our absence than doing any real work. And I returned to my task with the addition of more stress and leg shaking. None of which is her fault, but rather an illustration of the ridiculous extent to which my negative thoughts tend to invade.

I also received an email today from the director of a committee I volunteer with. We did a bake sale as a fundraiser this week and I made a bunch of things, some ordinary (cupcakes), and some more unique. Nearly all of it sold. BUT. We get reimbursed and apparently I should have asked before using so much money (~$85). Which I would understand if things didn't sell or they lost money. But they sold. And made money. And I actually had fun, which is more than I can say for the other roles I've been assigned on this committee. But of course, despite making the most of anyone, I now feel like cr*p about that too.

Aaaaand, pity party over. I'm not looking for any validation of my likely-skewed view of the world, but I needed to vent. I know I'm lucky and have no reason to complain about anything, but I need to learn to see that (because frankly, it's making me feel guilty too :)! )

On a completely different note, I have two questions for anyone who deigns to answer:

1) How do you create separate tabs/categories on your blog?
2) If someone makes their blog private, is there any way to contact them to ask to become a reader?