Friday, August 13, 2010


I couldn't even think of what to title this post. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel trapped. And while it may not be eating disorder-specific, the incredible guilt and hatred for myself that I feel has the same traits stamped all over. I can't seem to win, at least not in my mind. It's as though in the thought balance of my mind, one negative comment, or even the suggestion, is enough to negate hundreds of compliments or positive feedback I've received. And since there's no way I receive that much positivity in the space it takes to find one negative comment, imaginary or real, I have a nearly constant proclivity to lean towards the negative, hateful thoughts towards myself. And once one sneaks in, the domino effect is set in motion.

For example, at work today (clinic), we were pretty busy and I was attempting to complete what I was doing before lunch. I'd felt kind of out-of-it/adrift all day, but it wasn't anything physical, just mental blaaaah. Anyway, I mentioned this in passing and one of my co-workers, an older lady who's just returned from vacation, along with her delightful attitude of I-am-the-only-one-with-a-brain-among-these-incompetents, asks in this accusatory voice, "Have you eaten lunch yet?" To which I responded no and she begins to rag on me that I should. Right now. And of course, I tried to shrug it off and just say that I would, why was now so important?, and her response is what got me. It wasn't that she said, "well, it might make you feel less out-of-it", or, "you should take a break", but, "well, you said you already felt a bit off and we need productivity from you". Which was the dam breaking on the flood of thoughts of "I am lazy, I am slow, I am useless", etc., despite that she'd spent more of the morning critiquing what we'd done in our absence than doing any real work. And I returned to my task with the addition of more stress and leg shaking. None of which is her fault, but rather an illustration of the ridiculous extent to which my negative thoughts tend to invade.

I also received an email today from the director of a committee I volunteer with. We did a bake sale as a fundraiser this week and I made a bunch of things, some ordinary (cupcakes), and some more unique. Nearly all of it sold. BUT. We get reimbursed and apparently I should have asked before using so much money (~$85). Which I would understand if things didn't sell or they lost money. But they sold. And made money. And I actually had fun, which is more than I can say for the other roles I've been assigned on this committee. But of course, despite making the most of anyone, I now feel like cr*p about that too.

Aaaaand, pity party over. I'm not looking for any validation of my likely-skewed view of the world, but I needed to vent. I know I'm lucky and have no reason to complain about anything, but I need to learn to see that (because frankly, it's making me feel guilty too :)! )

On a completely different note, I have two questions for anyone who deigns to answer:

1) How do you create separate tabs/categories on your blog?
2) If someone makes their blog private, is there any way to contact them to ask to become a reader?

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